I'm drive I can fine osifer
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
