Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
