When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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