Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
