Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
