Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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