you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize