I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
