I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
