I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
50% drunk capacity currently
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
