i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
