If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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