I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
