I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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