her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
