david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
