you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
