there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
