I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
