Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
