you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
