oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
