You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
