The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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