i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
