my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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