she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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