I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
