Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
