1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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