I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
