Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Randomize
