OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
