My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
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