My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
