Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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