well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The best revenge is premature balding
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
