I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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