theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I need to wash the frat house off of me
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