so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
