I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
