The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
