I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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