I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
