I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
