How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
