Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
