if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
