I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
