i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
