So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
