Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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