Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
