I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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