i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
