Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
